Dear Dieary
by Yamamuri Sadako
Summary: A sad, sad story in the form of Johnny's diary entires. Ch 3 is up
1. Default Chapter

Dear Die-ary  
  
Ch. 1: Pain  
  
A/N: Hello. This was a piece of crap I wrote while stuck in a hospital because the voices in my head threatened to kill me...I'm insane. YAY!!!!!! But seriously, I'm on meds. My psychiatrist watches me like a hawk. I have no freedom... Evanescence owns the song 'Whisper'. This is Johnny's POV here. My anti-psychosis pills are making me sleepy...Unnn...  
Dear Die-ary,  
  
Fuck. I've split more blood today. I do not know why I do this. Can anyone remember a time when I did not slaughter children while their mammas watched? What has made me like this, have I always been this sick?! There must have been a time when I didn't kill. Dr. Phil, here I come.  
  
* Catch me as I fall  
Say you're here and it's all over now  
Speaking to the atmosphere  
No one's here and I fall into myself...*  
  
I want to stop hurting. I want to stop killing. This monster in my head needs to die. Die, die-that's it! To get rid of this beast I must do away with myself! It would be better this way. No one cares about me. Devi-she still hates me, I know that. I love her. I love her more than life itself. I hope she realizes that when I'm gone.  
  
* This truth drives me into madness  
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
  
+ Don't turn away  
Don't give in to the pain  
Don't try to hide  
Though screaming your name  
Don't close your eyes  
God knows what lies behind them  
Don't turn out the light  
Never sleep, never die + *  
  
I'll finally be able to live the life I wanted, if I come back again. But, I hope, that I don't come back. I want to live the life of eternal damnation I know I'll have. Nothing matters any longer. I am sorry to every family who has lost a life at my hands. I'm so sorry for the pain I have caused you all over the years. Please someone hear my cry.  
  
* I'm frightened by what I see  
But some how I know that there's much more to come  
Immobilized by my fear  
And soon to be blinded by tears  
I can stop the pain if I will it all away  
  
+ Don't turn away  
Don't give in to the pain  
Don't try to hide  
Though screaming your name  
Don't close your eyes  
God knows what lies behind them  
Don't turn out the light  
Never sleep, never die + *  
  
I hope that any one I've frightened with the ghastly shit I've done, I ask that you find it somewhere in your bleeding hearts to forgive me. I'm going now. I bid you all a very fond farewell.  
  
* Fallen angels at my feet  
Whispered voices at my ear  
Death before my eyes  
Lying next to me I fear  
She beckons me   
Shall I give in?  
Upon my end shall I begin  
Forsaking all I've fallen for, I rise to meet the end *  
  
Goodbye...  
  
A/N: Wow, I didn't know I could write something so sad...WAHHHHH!!! 


	2. dot dot dot

Dear Die-ary  
  
Ch. 2: My Last Breath  
  
A/N: Dear God, what is wrong with me? Why am I writing this stuff? This is Nny's POV again. Evanescence owns 'My Last Breath'. Break out the tissues, 'cause this chapter involves Devi. Johnny does not write in his die-ary this time, he thinks here. I'm going to go cry now.  
  
I am abandoned by any will to live. That's dead and gone. I'm going to end it now! These knives have kept me satisfied in the killing of the innocent. Now it's my turn.  
  
* Hold on to me love  
  
You know I can't stay long  
  
All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid  
  
Can you hear me?  
  
Can you feel me in your arms?*  
  
Ugh! I've missed this, the pain and the beauty of my own blood trickling down my side. I pray that no one finds me here. Someone's at my door... What the hell is this, some sort of sign telling me I'm not supposed to die? Oh Christ...Devi-  
  
"Nny! What the fuck did you do?"   
  
I'm ending my pain, can't you see that as I lie here in your arms?  
  
* + Holding my last breath  
  
Safe inside myself  
  
Are all my thoughts of you  
  
Sweet raptured light   
  
It ends here tonight +*  
  
Devi, there is no need to cry for me. You wanted to see me dead for years now... I love you, I always have... I'm so cold. Stop crying, you'll only make saying goodbye harder. Why are you here?  
  
"Johnny, I had to know if you were all right, I saw you at the bookstore and I saw how sad you were. Now you're doing what I had feared. You can't leave me! I love you."  
  
What? I'm dying, it's too late for us now, Devi. Everything's slowly slipping away, like sand in an hourglass. Don't cry, I can't stand to see you in this pain.  
  
* I'll miss the winter  
  
A world of fragile things  
  
Look for me in a white forest  
  
Hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)  
  
I know you hear me  
  
I can taste it in your tears *  
  
Devi, stop, please. I'm going to the hell I created in my mind. I'm getting what I deserve. Get out! I can't bear to see you pained. I want to speak to you, but only gurgling noises escape my lips as I choke on my own blood. Devi, I pray you can see this in my eyes. I love you.  
  
* + Holding my last breath  
  
Safe inside myself  
  
Are all my thoughts of you  
  
Sweet raptured light   
  
It ends here tonight +  
  
Closing your eyes to disappear  
  
You pray your dreams will leave you here  
  
But still you wake and know the truth  
  
No one's there  
  
Say goodnight  
  
Don't be afraid  
  
Calling me calling me as you fade to black *  
  
Goodbye, Devi. I'm finally free of the monster. All I ask, before I die, is one last kiss. 


	3. Three years later

Dear Die-ary  
  
Ch. 3: Three Years later...  
  
A/n: This is Devi's POV. That's all I'm saying. Evanescence owns the song "My Immortal". I'm lonely. My friends have all abandoned me...(sniffs)... I'll be doing a Johnny/Jimmy thing soon. Dear god I never thought I'd say those words. I own Samara. I think the term 'Mim' is cute, even though it's another word for aunt, I don't care!  
  
I wish you could see her, Johnny. My little girl has so much of her father in her. I can see you in her eyes. She has your eyes. Samara's third birthday was last week. She always asks where you are. Even though she never got the chance to know you, she still asks why you never come to the picnics we have. I know she can hear me crying at night. It's been three years and I still can't let you go.  
  
"Mim, where's Papa?"  
  
*I'm so tired of being here  
  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
  
And if you have to leave  
  
I wish that you would just leave  
  
Because your presence still lingers here  
  
And it won't leave me alone...*   
  
Papa's gone, Samara. I've told you that before. Be careful, darling, or you'll lose your ball. She and the boy who lived next to you, Todd, are good friends. Todd asks about you from time to time. Samara, no!  
  
"Uh-oh...Mim! Mim! My ball, it rolled into the old house! The one next to Squee's!"  
  
Johnny, are you trying to tell me something? You were nothing but a human riddle... that craved to be solved. I nearly had the answer. But you stole it from me three years ago. I want to move on, but I can't. Something is holding me back. Samara, don't go into that house!  
  
"I found it, Mim!"  
  
Memories. This house brings back some of the most painful ones that I've ever had to deal with. The attempt on my life...And watching you take yours.  
  
+ These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all your tears  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have all of me+  
  
I can feel you here. Hear your dying breaths. Why, dammit, why...Why?! On that night, I was going to tell you that I was carrying your child, Johnny. Instead, I found you lying on the floor, dying. Why did you leave me? How will Samara ever be able to cope with never knowing her father? Why did you leave me?  
  
"I never really left,"  
  
Johnny?  
  
"PAPA!!"  
  
*You used to captivate me  
  
By your resonating light  
  
But now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
  
Your voice it chases away all the sanity in me...*  
  
Are you alive, or a ghost?  
  
"I wish I could touch our daughter, I've missed you..."  
  
Are you in heaven or hell?  
  
"Papa! Why don't ever come play with me?"  
  
"Samara, so this is my daughter..."  
  
She seems to be more like you than me. She's quiet, and doesn't express her feelings. She paints, like you used to...  
  
* + These wounds won't seem to heal  
  
This pain is just too real  
  
There's just too much that time cannot erase  
  
When you cried I'd wipe away all your tears  
  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
  
But you still have all of me+*  
  
You yearn to hold her, don't you? I'd give anything to hold your hand again.  
  
"Devi... I-I'm so sorry, I never realized how much my death had hurt you until I looked into our daughter's eyes... You need to move on, forget me. I know that you only wake up in the morning to see our child smile. I'm still here, in Samara."  
  
* I've tried to hard to tell myself that you're gone  
  
And though you're still with me  
  
I've been alone all along*  
  
Kiss me, Johnny...  
  
A/N: Oh sweet mother of noodles! I am getting WAY too involved in writing romances!!!!! I am THAT lonely... 


End file.
